


if it feels this good

by taejinyo



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Zhengting-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-05-13 22:47:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14757750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taejinyo/pseuds/taejinyo
Summary: it takes cai xukun to remind zhengting that sometimes, it's okay to want something for yourself too.





	if it feels this good

when zhengting first starts hosting on the university radio station, it’s just him, yanchen and xingjie. he doesn’t even really want to do it at first, but yanchen wears him down with his endless optimism and sunlit smiles. besides, xingjie wants a platform to play his music, and the radio station’s kind of dying out anyway, so zhengting sucks it up and signs up to host the 9PM to 11PM slot. and it works, zhengting’s always liked talking, so he just spends the time inviting his friends to the show and just talking about classes and parties and dates. he likes it and his show is reasonably popular, so he sticks around for a few months. then the station manager graduates, and really, zhengting does half of the station manager duties already, so he ends up just falling into place as the new head of the station. 

 

he’s surprisingly good at it. it takes up a lot of his time, more time than he expected, but he still manages to dance three days a week. as long as he has that, he can’t complain. his social life kind of falls apart after that because he pretty much constantly has to be at the station, making sure that the technical equipment isn’t malfunctioning and that xingjie doesn’t accidentally offend all the theatre kids again. 

 

(“you can’t just call the entire drama department problematic bitches on public radio, xingjie,  _ i shouldn’t have to tell you this. _ ”)

 

yanchen is the one who pulls him aside after the one week where he ends up staying in the office past two am five days in a row. “you don’t have to do this alone,” he says. “you’re still a kid in college.”

 

it’s something that should be obvious, yet somehow it hits zhengting like an epiphany. he almost wants to argue, just for the sake of it, but then yanchen leans in and presses a soft kiss to his lips.  “oh,” zhengting says, and kisses him back. they stay like that for a few minutes, tucked away in the corridor by the third floor bathroom. zhengting wonders distractedly if they’ll go home together, if this will ruin their friendship, if this is a good idea. does he even like yanchen like that?

 

the bathroom door clicks open and xingjie walks out, halting in his tracks when he catches sight of the two of them. it’s only for the shortest of moments, but zhengting glimpses a trace of a broken heart across xingjie’s face and he realizes. he doesn’t like yanchen like that, but there’s someone else who does. so he closes his eyes and enjoys the warmth of another body against his for a second longer before pushing yanchen away. he motions over his shoulder towards xingjie and says, “i’ll let you guys talk.”

 

the next day, yanchen and xingjie walk in at the same time, hands locked together. zhengting waves away their guilty expressions with a shrug. “if i wanted it,” he says gently, “i would have fought for it.” 

 

xingjie sends him a look like he doesn’t believe that for a second, but thankfully, he lets it go without a word. the next day, he introduces zhengting to wenjun, a boy as shy as he is tall, and with a smile softer than cotton. “this is our new technician,” xingjie says knowingly. “take good care of him.” 

 

wenjun fits in seamlessly with the three of them. he’s quiet, but kind and witty. with his help, the radio station begins to gain traction, and xingjie’s show is tracking more and more listeners every week. they even have a live session to raise funds at the end of the semester and almost a hundred students show up. backstage, zhengting trades a warm glance with wenjun, reaching out to squeeze his thigh excitedly. wenjun places his hand on top of zhengting’s and squeezes back. life is good, zhengting thinks. life is pretty good. 

 

xingjie graduates. yanchen and zhengting are there at the ceremony, cheering louder than anyone else, with wenjun waiting for them outside after xingjie walks. it’s a bright, hopeful day, with the sun rising high in a cloudless sky. wenjun pulls out a box of fudgsicles and the four of them sit underneath the shade of a large oak tree. zhengting licks a stripe of chocolate off his hand and feels the refreshing cold seep into his tongue. he wipes his hands on the grass when he’s done, standing up and stretching his arms to the sky. xingjie stands up next to him. in a flash he pulls zhengting in for a rare hug, embracing him so tight it almost hurts. “i’m proud of you,” he whispers in zhengting’s ear. “ _ thank you. _ ” 

 

then he leans back, and to zhengting’s shock, curls his fingers around zhengting’s face and kisses him, hard. “i’ve always wanted to do that,” he grins, licking his lips. zhengting gapes, making eye contact with yanchen over xingjie’s shoulder. yanchen looks just as surprised as he is but there’s a delighted twinkle in his eyes, so zhengting laughs and throws his arms around xingjie’s neck in return.

  
  
  
  
  


xingjie’s gone. life goes on. summer break starts and zhengting goes back to his hometown. chengcheng and justin are waiting for him at the airport gates, obnoxious smirks on their faces. zhengting won’t admit it to their faces, but he’s missed them so much it feels like a physical burden is lifted from his shoulders when he sees their stupidly bright expressions. just like they won’t admit that the reason they both applied to the same university is because zhengting goes there and they want to savour every moment together that they possibly can. they spend their summer shopping for supplies for chengcheng’s and justin’s dorm room. in between trips to ikea and vacations at the beach, zhengting texts yanchen and wenjun about the radio. they’ll need more people this next semester, now that xingjie’s gone. he knows that if he asks, chengcheng and justin will be there in a second. he also knows that there are so many better, more exciting ways for freshmen to spend their time than help run a university radio station, so he doesn’t ask. 

 

of course they join, though. how could they not, when zhengting’s face lights up whenever he talks about how much their little enterprise has grown, the reverential way he describes the radio studio office on the third floor near the bathroom. of course, they don’t tell zhengting this. they just show up at the studio the second week of classes and introduce themselves to wenjun and yanchen and that’s how they start their own duo talk show at 4PM. zhengting thinks they are the best people in his life, but he can’t say that to their face, so he just buys them dinner for a month and hopes they figure it out. 

  
  
  
  
  


what the station really needs though, is someone to take xingjie’s slot. xingjie’s 6PM show was by far the most popular on campus. “should we open applications?” zhengting asks yanchen one day at lunch. 

 

yanchen shakes his head. “no, that gets too messy. too much procedure.” he says it more for zhengting than anyone else, since in the end that’s who it’ll be reading over the multitude of applications they get. alongside wenjun, he’s taken it upon himself to make sure zhengting doesn’t dedicate too much time to work. it’s easier now with justin and chengcheng there to drag zhengting to go out with them. it’s endearing how zhengting will drop everything to spoil his two kids. yanchen wishes he took care of himself the same way. or that he had someone to look after him. once upon a time, yanchen thought it could be him. 

 

sparks of attraction still flutter in the air between zhengting and wenjun. yanchen would be blind not to see that sometimes wenjun’s fingers linger a little longer than necessary on zhengting’s shoulder. they went to go see a movie together a few weeks ago and yanchen desperately wants to know if anything happened. neither of them bring it up though, and the unspoken tension between them remains. he doesn’t know if justin or chengcheng have noticed anything. he’s not close enough to them yet to bring it up but he’s promised himself to always be there for zhengting, even if it’s not romantically. 

  
  
  
  


 

in the end, it’s chengcheng who solves the problem of the 6PM slot. “i think i know somebody,” he says one day. “he makes music too. he says he’s interested.” 

 

that’s how cai xukun ends up waiting outside the studio on a friday morning. zhengting gets there first, as always, and blinks. “you’re early,” he says. he ushers xukun in and offers him a glass of water. “the others will be here soon.”

 

silence stretches between them. zhengting fidgets, his fingers drumming against his chair. he thinks he can feel a pair of eyes watching him. he glances up discreetly, only to directly meet xukun’s gaze. they both look away. “cai xukun,” the other boy offers finally. “i’m a sophomore arts management major.”

 

“zhu zhengting,” zhengting says. “i’m studying environmental science.”

 

“you’re a junior?” 

 

“no, this is my senior year.”

 

xukun’s mouth quirks up. “you don’t seem older than me,” he says. something in the way he says it makes zhengting flush. he feels the warmth at the tips of his ears and decides to ignore it in favour of checking his messages to see where the others are. 

 

he’s barely pulled out his phone when justin and chengcheng rush in together. luckily, they take over the conversation from there and zhengting feels himself relax as he notes how comfortable xukun is with his kids. he doesn’t ever interrupt them, even when justin is speaking so fast he’s fumbling over his sentences, or when half of what comes out of chengcheng’s mouth is obviously bullshit. he just listens patiently, taking in every word, actually hearing what they have to say. zhengting’s already half won over. when wenjun and yanchen come in, they look at zhengting first. zhengting clears his throat and tells them he likes him, and just like that, xukun gets the 6PM slot. xukun himself seems surprised by the news, peering curiously at zhengting from the corner of his eyes. still, it’s not long before he too is stitched into the fabric of the station. 

 

as it turns out, xukun is exceptionally popular at their university. zhengting doesn’t realize how disengaged he’s become on campus until the six of them get lunch together one day and no less than thirty people come up to say hi. xukun greets them all equally friendly, never forgetting to introduce the rest of the team and involve them in the conversation. he wonders why so many people know xukun, and he must say it out loud, because xukun’s suddenly focused all of his attention on him, laser sharp. “i’m on the basketball team,” he says, then adds, “and i dance sometimes.”

 

zhengting’s interest is piqued. “you dance,” he says, unable to hide the way his expression lights up. xukun is blinded for a second when the smile that’s normally reserved for justin or chengcheng is turned to him. 

 

he nods. “i dance.”

 

he tells zhengting he’s been dancing hiphop for about four years now and zhengting peppers him with questions about the movements and the style and if he likes it. zhengting does contemporary and modern dance, justin explains, and then xukun is the one asking questions. they spend the entire meal discussing dance. “i’d love to see you dance someday,” xukun tells him with a breathtaking sincerity, and zhengting is struck by how much he wants the same. 

 

after that, it gets easier. the semester is halfway over and the radio station is running without a single falter. then one day, wenjun brings zeren to the office and introduces him as a friend. zeren is cute, zhengting thinks, like an overgrown puppy. zhengting’s always liked puppies so he ends up adopting zeren into his little group. the arrival of zeren marks the beginning of the end of something else, too: wenjun still touches zhengting but it’s less and less. he doesn’t even seem to notice it. zhengting does though, and he swallows his desire and tells himself at least he hadn’t developed feelings yet. 

 

wenjun and zeren are good for each other. zeren’s loud enough that he ends up bringing wenjun’s voice out too, and wenjun is the one who calms zeren down when he gets a little too excited. zhengting cheers them on more sincerely than anyone else, and when wenjun starts getting a little too restless one day in the studio, zhengting is the one who looks him in the eye and says, “you have to tell him, wenjun. otherwise he won’t know what you want.” 

 

that stops wenjun in his tracks. he takes a deep breath, letting the tension seep out of his body. “okay,” he says firmly. “okay.” he turns to leave. then he stops and moves to where zhengting is sitting at his desk in two long steps. he places his arms on either side of zhengting, leaning down until they’re eye to eye. zhengting closes his eyes and lets wenjun kiss him, warm and smooth and deep. when they pull apart, wenjun takes a step back and smiles wistfully. “for good luck,” he says. 

 

“for good luck,” zhengting echoes with an amused twist of his lips. 

 

when he’s gone, justin almost falls out of his chair. “what just happened,” he squawks. he, chengcheng and xukun are staring at zhengting, openmouthed. 

 

“i guess he wanted to join the club,” yanchen says teasingly when he looks at zhengting. zhengting thinks he catches the trace of something bittersweet in yanchen’s words, but it’s lost before he can think about it again. 

 

“wait,” chengcheng says, almost accusatory. “have  _ you  _ kissed zhengting?” 

 

yanchen grins wide, but doesn’t confirm anything. 

 

justin frowns. “has  _ huba-ge _ kissed zhengting?” 

 

yanchen grins even wider. 

 

xukun doesn’t say anything until later, when it’s just the two of them. the clock strikes 5:45, almost time for xukun to go on air. he usually gives his outline to zhengting the day before, but he’d been late today so zhengting’s only just read through the playlist and listener questions. he sets up the recording mic while xukun watches, leaning against the doorway. “i thought you liked him,” xukun says. 

 

zhengting pauses, his hands freezing in the air. seconds pass before he says, “no, but i think i could have.” he waits for the other boy to say something else, but all he hears is silence. he goes back to work. 

 

it’s quiet a little longer. “you told wenjun something pretty good,” xukun says. “but i think you need to follow your own advice.” 

 

“what?” zhengting furrows his brows together and looks up. xukun’s not paying attention to him, or at least, it doesn’t seem like he is since he’s tapping at his phone leisurely. 

 

“you have tell someone when you want something,” xukun parrots zhengting’s words back to him. “or they won’t know.” he slides his phone into his back pocket and walks into the room, passing zhengting and sitting down in front of the mic. zhengting wants to say something, but it’s almost time for them to go live so he bites his tongue and turns to leave instead. 

 

“zhengting.”

 

xukun’s voice stops him in his tracks. he looks back despite himself. “if i kissed you,” xukun says, gazing directly at him, “i would mean it.”

  
  
  
  
  


for a while, classes get busy. midterms are worse than finals sometimes. zhengting is overflowed with papers and exams and labs and he feels like there’s not enough time in the world to get it all done. he should never have gone into environmental science, fuck the environment. xukun just laughs when he says this and promises to buy him dinner after midterms are over. they’ve been spending a lot more time together recently. as the latest recruit of justin and chengcheng's effort to keep zhengting from dying of overwork, xukun’s taken on more responsibility in the studio. zhengting doesn’t  _ mind _ , persay, he knows his work is a lot easier now and it is nice to have someone else who can take over when he needs to finish a last minute paper. the problem is that zhengting still doesn’t know how to act around xukun. it’s been two weeks since the day when xukun planted the idea of kissing him in his brain, and now he can’t even face his general direction without feeling like his face is going to combust. he buries his face in his hands, rubbing his eyes in a mixture of exhaustion and embarrassment. he hears xukun pause whatever he’s doing. 

 

“zhengting, are you okay?”

 

“yeah,” zhengting says, gathering his thoughts. “just tired.”

 

xukun comes and sits across from zhengting. “you should go home early today,” he says reassuringly. “don’t worry, i’ll take care of it.”

 

zhengting blinks. for a few moments there, he wants xukun to say  _ i’ll take care of you _ . he must really be more tired than he thought. so he goes back home without a fight and tries not to think about the fluttering sensation beginning in the pit of his stomach. he drinks three cups of coffee and studies for an exam that’s not for another three days. his cozy sheets are beckoning to him from his bed, enticing him with the promise of sleep. it’s not that he’s not sleepy; his eyelids are struggling to stay open. yet when he looks around his room, all he’s reminded of is that he’ll have to go to bed alone, just like he has every night for the past three years. maybe, if he had gone out a little more, been a little more social, he’d have someone he could call for nights like these. 

 

if xukun was his boyfriend, he could call him.

 

zhengting’s eyes snap open. where did that thought come from? this is all xukun’s fault, all because of his stupidly deep voice and unnecessarily dark eyes and because ever since he mentioned it, zhengting can’t help but imagine how exactly xukun would kiss him. when he closes his eyes, he thinks about how xukun’s fingers would press bruises against his waist, how his lips would trail along the side of zhengting’s neck to nip at his pulse. alone, in the stillness of his room at 3am in the morning, zhengting allows himself to fantasize for the first time in a long time. desire bubbles in his throat, choking him up as he feels arousal stirring low in his groin. he entertains the thought of slipping his hand under the band of his sweatpants and actually giving in to the pleasure for once in his life. then he thinks about facing xukun the next morning after using him to masturbate and feels an acute sense of shame wash over him. no, he tells himself as he catches sight of his dark circles in the mirror. what he really needs at this ungodly hour is a face mask and a manicure.

 

when he goes to the office after his morning class, it’s with great skin, a quad latte, and nails painted a deep wine red. at least, he thinks his skin is great, but it takes yanchen one look for him to say, “wow, you didn’t get any sleep last night, did you.” zhengting wants to deny it, but yanchen knows him better than that so he just shrugs and downs the rest of his latte in one go. yanchen shakes his head in disapproval, but it’s not like zhengting hasn’t seen him at worse. he gingerly pokes at zhengting’s hand. “it’s a nice colour, but is this what you were doing instead of actually following a proper sleep schedule?”

 

“it’s called self-care, yanchen,” zhengting rolls his eyes. “you should try it sometime.”

 

yanchen makes a face. “sure,” he says. “whatever you say.” 

 

“stop bickering,” wenjun scolds, but he’s laughing at them as he fiddles with a broken set of speakers. zhengting knows for a fact that wenjun uses both bath bombs and scented candles, so he doesn’t know how he can possibly consider himself a neutral party here. he’s about to say so when he hears the telltale thud of the door swinging open. xukun strolls in, half-eaten sandwich in his hand. 

 

“oh,” he tries and fails to hide his smile as he takes in the situation. “what’s wrong now?”

 

“ _ what’s wrong  _ is zhengting trying to justify doing his nails as self-care instead of actually taking care of himself by sleeping for more than an hour,” yanchen mocks, but there’s no real bite in his tone. zhengting throws his empty coffee cup at him and misses, the cup landing by xukun’s feet. xukun picks it up and hands it back to zhengting, not even bothering to conceal his snickering anymore. as zhengting’s fingers curl around the cup, xukun shifts his weight and uses it as leverage to bring zhengting’s hand closer to his face. 

 

“hm,” xukun says, examining the glossy red of zhengting’s nails. “it’s pretty on you.” he lets go and directs his focus to zhengting’s face instead. “you do look tired, though,” he purses his lips together. “i know i said i’d treat you to dinner after midterms, but i feel like you could use a break. is there anything you need to do tonight? that you can’t do tomorrow,” he adds, after seeing the expression on zhengting’s face.

 

“no. i guess not,” zhengting admits reluctantly.

 

“great,” xukun says. “i’ll pick you up at seven.” he pats zhengting on the shoulder and drops his backpack in the corner of the room. apparently he’s only really here to leave his stuff before he goes to class and in a heartbeat, he’s back outside, leaving zhengting alone with yanchen and wenjun.

 

“did he just,” yanchen says, then stops short.

 

“you know what,” wenjun blinks. “i’m not even sure.”

 

the door opens again, and this time, justin and chengcheng shuffle in. as always, they’re together. “hey,” justin says. “we just passed xukun on his way out. what’s up with you?”

 

“we’re trying to figure out if xukun just asked zhengting on a date or not,” wenjun tells them. zhengting wants to tell them to stop discussing this so casually, like he’s not freaking out internally, but he also kind of wants to hear the verdict. chengcheng kicks off his sneakers, slumps into a chair and swings his feet onto the the table. 

 

“i wouldn’t be surprised if he did,” chengcheng said. 

 

“he has always thought your ugly ass is cute,” justin says, even though when he knocks his shoulder against zhengting’s as he passes him, it’s reassuring. “who even knows why.”

  
  
  
  
  


fifteen minutes before seven, xukun texts zhengting to let him know he’s almost there. zhengting stares at his phone like it might bite him if he moves too fast. he’s ready to leave, he’s been ready to leave for almost an hour. he checks himself out in the mirror one last time before sliding on his shoes and heading downstairs to meet xukun. xukun pulls up in a car that’s nicer than any college student has a right to own and invites zhengting in. they don’t talk the whole drive, even though zhengting has a thousand things he wants to ask the other boy. but every time he tries to open his mouth, his tongue turns to jelly. he settles for sneaking glances in the overhead mirror, but then he catches xukun looking back at him and they both look away, embarrassed. he doesn’t even think to ask where xukun is taking him until they pull up in a tucked away parking lot. xukun leads him to the entrance and holds the door open for him. zhengting looks around the candlelit lobby. 

 

“this is nicer than i expected,” he says quietly to xukun as a waiter leads them to a secluded table. 

 

“i hope that’s okay,” xukun whispers back. “i don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

 

and that’s sweet, it really is, so zhengting reminds himself that this is still the xukun that he’s spent days on end in the recording studio with, and he feels himself finally loosening up. from that point on, conversation flows like a stream. zhengting finds himself enchanted by the way xukun’s eyes crinkle into crescents when he laughs and by the way he gestures with his hands when he gets excited and he’s admittedly charmed by how xukun always motions the waiter to fill zhengting’s glass before his own. 

 

just like that, hours pass in what feels like mere minutes. zhengting goes to get his wallet, but xukun’s hand on his wrist stops him. “i told you it’s my treat,” he says, gentle but firm. 

 

“when justin says that,” zhengting says, narrowing his eyes suspiciously, “he  _ accidentally _ forgets his wallet at home.”

 

xukun snorts. “that sounds exactly like him. but no, this is me paying for dinner. let me take care of you this once.”

 

zhengting’s heart skips a beat. or two. or three. slowly, the situation begins to dawn on him. here are the facts: 

 

  1. he and xukun are sitting in a dimly lit restaurant with _tablecloths_ , across from each other.  
  2. xukun is insisting on paying. 
  3. zhengting thinks he might really, _really_ like cai xukun.



 

“xukun,” he begins. “are we….is this a….” he trails off, unsure of himself all of a sudden. “no, never mind.”

 

“no,” xukun says. “i’m not letting you do that. you have to say it.”

 

“say what,” zhengting says, suddenly defensive. 

 

xukun sighs, but it’s fond. “do you know what your problem is? you’re so dedicated to making sure everyone around you is happy to actually think about the things that make you happy. to think about what you want.” he reaches across the table and takes zhengting’s chin in his hand, softly holding him in place and forcing him to make eye contact. 

 

“zhu zhengting. what do you want this to be?”

 

for a second, xukun’s firm hand on his face is the only thing keeping zhengting from crumpling in on himself. then he thinks about sitting in his room alone at three in the morning for one more night and finds his resolve. “i want this to be a date, kun. i want you to be my boyfriend.”

 

“good,” xukun beams. “me too.”

  
  
  


when xukun drops zhengting back home, zhengting grabs xukun’s wrist before he can get back inside his car. “hey,” he teases, looking up from beneath long eyelashes. xukun’s breath catches in his throat. “why don’t you come inside and kiss me like you mean it?”

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> come hang out with me @zhngzyi on twt!!


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